I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND