Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting