Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”