[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
You Might Also Like
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.