DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
…żyje?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.