When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
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who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
This anagram machine is out of order.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Beauty and the Beast
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired