Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
You Might Also Like
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself