Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
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[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.