Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
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[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids