I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
These 3D printers are insane!
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.