“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Note to self: always read the final line
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me