I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
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just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Um … Hot Wings please
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”