*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: