Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
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I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
not for long
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping