You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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me logging onto twitter
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
me and the Superbowl rn
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh