I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
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My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
They grow up so quick
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?