Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
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[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.