Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Alexa: *deep breath*
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.