No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Omg 🤣
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Me, reading some of your tweets
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME