TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
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[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
he’s doing your taxes
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?