Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
You Might Also Like
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Who’s your best friend?
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this