My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
A short story about romance.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.