Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person