Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
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*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.