I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
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A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
When I said I liked it rough.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day