May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.