I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
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Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.