Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.