son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Yes, this is exactly right
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
new year update: losing everything but weight
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them