Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
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When I grow up, I want to be 16
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
What number SPF blocks people?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My life coach traded me.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint