How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
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Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.