I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
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me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
The Book. The Movie.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
be careful
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.