“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
You Might Also Like
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Don’t snitch tag.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?