If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
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HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: