Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
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The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Good morning!
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is