fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!