DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
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If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth