When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?