[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.