[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?