Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
#parenting
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I’m sorry…what?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.