I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
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My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second