Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
“A little help here, Danny?”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.