Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
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Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
PARKOUR
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
New comic up. “Ransom”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point