5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
this isn’t threatening at all
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
set yourself free xox
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]