A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
A wise man once said nothing.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright