In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol