Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy