Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
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Twitter is the new flypaper.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics