“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
all that yoga finally paid off
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.